Serves you right

The snail waitress...

Javier discovered the world's slowest waitress ...

Name: Javier Naranjo

Location: Tea shop, Bodmin

In our local coffee shop, my mother and I chose two items from the counter, a ready made ham salad roll and a pizza slice. We obeyed the notice and sat down to await waitress service. I ordered 2 cappuccinos and the food items thinking she could just reach over and serve us our food.

I had an idea she was going to be slow as she was one of those waitresses that wrote in longhand on her pad, almost like the famous Julie Walters sketch - One Souuuup and (pause) another soooup. We were getting quite hungry when after 15 minutes, we noticed her slowly putting a milk jug into the microwave and proceeding to make a roll from scratch instead of giving us the items any take away customer could have bought in ten seconds.

The final straw came when she could be overheard discussing that she'd take her break now and all 7 staff stood around in the kitchen pacing up and down not actually doing anything. (There were only 4 diners) I then realised that asking for a sachet of salad cream would be taking things too far ...

Light my fire

Taking advantage of free heating is never easy ...

Name: Francis Dobson

Location: Plaisterers Arms, Winchcombe

An experience made me and my theatrical friend frown. We visted Winchcombe where we were both drying out after a half hour wait at a bus stop in the rain. The pub was not busy and we headed to the roaring log fire with two shots of Ginger Wine. I overlooked the glass that was covered in fingerprints and smears and tried to relax in front of the warmth. The landlady came over no less than three times and asked us to stop blocking the fireplace for 'other people'. I looked behind me and there were no other people in. Were we blocking the heat from the pub ghost I wonder? By the third time she asked us to move away again (as I kept edging nearer to defrost) she claimed it blocked the 'view' for anyone walking past outside. The fact that we were already in there as paying customers seemed irrelevant. We won't be going back ...

Chef goes home

TV became reality when Yolanda wanted some sandwiches...Unfortunately the chef had other ideas.

Name: Yolanda Brees

Location: Gloucestershire

After checking in at the hotel from a long London drive, we were handed our keys and told quite strictly that no food is served in the restaurant after 9pm. We commented that it was 8.35pm and how lucky we were to make it in time. "Well actually no" the restaurant said. "Chef likes to go home at around 9." We asked if we could be made up sandwiches to eat in the bar or take upto our room. "We don't serve food now. It's too late." It seems that Fawlty Towers episode 'The Amercians' had it spot on. In Britain, kitchens closing down at peak time so chefs can go home for tea seems to be common place. We went to bed hungry.

The waiting game

It's a nightmare serving a bar by yourself, Moya was 'lucky' enough to find someone taking it all in her stride...

Name: Moya Trent

Location: Kendal

We stood at the bar and waited to order our drinks. The barmaid was busy clearing plates in the dining area. We appreciated she was busy and without other staff but to be acknowledged would have been nice. We smiled. We waved. We patiently lent against the bar.

After 8 minutes she tried the 'no eye contact' routine. This was made more difficult for her as she, at one point, in front of us scribbling on a piece of paper. I said to her "are you frantic tonight?" thinking we could be compassionate to her situation. She frostily shouted "Be with you in five!"

For the next ten minutes we watched her stand at the opposite end of the bar sipping her own cola through a straw and then chat and cavort in a relaxed, slow, familiar manner with a sweaty member of staff from kitchen.

Watching her sip her own drink slowly was the last straw. We left the pub and headed for a more 'business orientated' public house.

Cheap promo meals

If you work in the restaurant industry, it's probably best not to refer to your own food as 'cheap'.

Name: Jake

Venue: Local Inn

We'd made a special effort to keep our 2 for 1 voucher from our local paper and had carefully studied the small print to make sure we weren't on a wasted journey. One rainy night we drove out to this local Inn and stood at the bar hoping someone would notice us and sit us by the log fire. No staff were around so we wondered if the place was open tonight. Eventually we overheard the barman on his mobile in full angry commentary to his friend about how he was going to refuse to work the bank holiday and how he'd give a piece of his mind to management. Well actually a few swear words but nothing I can type here.

Meanwhile we are still stood, hungry, wet and needing some service. He did spot us but continued his mobile conversation where we were even informed about how his shift would end at 10pm or else. Nice for him. I scanned the bar for a menu so we could begin to at least choose our food. He sighed and came over to us in a rather 'must I be here?' kind of manner. He was almost cross when we said we'd like a table. We were seated. We were told we couldn't have our choice of seat as we were a party of 2. (The place was empty remember)  I mentioned to him we had our vouchers. Suddenly he grabbed the regular menus from us and shouted into the back room at the top of his voice. "Lisa! Can I have two of the cheap promotional menus!" I felt glad no one else was dining or I'd have felt like a cheap skate. Bit silly really from a commercial point of view. What if I'd wanted something off the full price menu or heaven forbid, a starter?!

Lisa turned up and sighed. She didn't really want to be there either. "Would you like to see the dessert menu?" she sleepily enquired. "We shut soon you know and we don't serve after 8.30pm."

The key to nakedness

Birthday suits included at this hotel down under ...

Name: Lydia Chook

Location: Oasis Motel, Alice Springs, Australia

I arrived late at night and was relieved to successfully book into a room after a long arduous drive. The receptionist directed me to my room with key in hand I unlocked the door onto a very surprised and very naked middle aged couple.

Back at reception I was given a new key and room and managed a restful night. In the morning I was eating some of the complimentary fruit left in my room for breakfast when my door was unlocked to reveal a couple who had, surprise, been given the wrong room and key.

Oh and I was naked this time!

Are you local?

Agatha explains why there should always be a way to put a positive spin on customer service...

Name:Agatha Stavros

Location:Bishops Cleeve

We wandered up to the Cotswold pub yearning for glowing log fires, local Ale and lashings of rustic pub grub to recharge us after the hike. We ordered our drinks at the bar and I eagerly fingered the menu. Would it be steak and ale pie? Or maybe breaded plaice and pub chips. Ooh, yum! What if we shared some bubble and squeak then demolish faggots in gravy? The publican gave me a disapproving and anxious look from the bar counter. "Ere! We 'ent servin' till paaast six y'know." It was six o'clock.

I would have waited and played cards by the fire. We could have hung our wet socks and browsed the local paper. I wasn't going to force the kitchens to open early. I was simply showing some interest in eating in his establishment. Maybe his chef was late. Maybe he'd had a row with the wife. Maybe we weren't regulars and so deemed as imposters. Who knows? All I know is the line should have been, "Oh yes that is the menu! Are you thinking of dining with us tonight?" Enough said.

Flying high on good service

Good service can mean doing the smallest things to make a difference, as David explains...

Name: David Hurst

Location: On board Singapore Airlines

I'll always remember the best service I ever received. I was flying business class and before take-off the attendant came round with magazines. "Do you have The Economist?" I asked. "I'm sorry" she said, "But all our copies have already been taken." Two hours later she came back with a copy. "One of the passengers has finished with his copy so I asked if I could pass it on to you."

Obvious.  Easy.  Memorable.  And so rarely ever done.